003 - What the heck is going on?

Here we are - my first vLetter? vLog? Whatever this is, it feels right - and manageable.  

What are you waiting for?

Or click here to watch me as I read it - lots of great moments for you, not me.

Curious about the name change? 

My reasons for the need to step away on Social Media varied… it wasn’t a one size fits all solution to the frustration I was feeling inside. In fact, I fought it for months. In almost every writing session I had, the thought of “maybe I should just quit Instagram” would rear its ugly head. Because, in my subconscious mind, I knew what I was doing wasn’t going to get me to my end goal any faster. Confused how the two go hand in hand? I was too. 

The long story dates back to a year ago today. The day I “came out of the Cannabis closet” and embraced this new, unabridged human I am becoming today. I quickly made friends with the “cool kids” and got a little traction on Social Media. The whole process was a trip. It was fun and rebellious. It was educational in mind, body, and spirit. It set me up on the path to finally launch into my purpose and I will never, ever, ever forget the love and encouragement the Cannabis community showed me.  I plan to write an entire series influenced by the ‘Woman of Weed’  one day and this crazy insane subculture that exists.

 As a self-proclaimed ‘Outsider’ for nearly my entire life, I struggled to just figure out where I belonged and where I could be accepted.   A year ago, in a very tumultuous time in my life, I stumbled upon The Mommy Jane and then quickly inserted my self in the beautiful space she’s creating.  I never felt more accepted for being exactly who I was.  She changed my life with the vision she had, and to that, I tell her, “ That message you received when your journey began to “Help Woman” has come full circle. Put a checkmark in that box babe, because a - job well done.”  

With my new found “Internet confidence”, I began taking risks more.  You know the saying, “Is the risk worth the reward?” or the always classy, “Risk it to get the biscuit” - well there was a lot of that going on for me. I was throwing caution to the wind and trying to do every dream I never even knew I had all at once. This became my modus operandi and I was hell-bent on making my dreams come true.  The jet-fueled energy  I was throwing around allowed me to create things I could be proud of. Things that people showed interest in. It was exciting to feel like I was standing on my own two feet and that what I was doing mattered, if not to anyone else, but for me.

The same time I started Microdosing Mama, I was simultaneously running “The Cannabis Connector”. It was my way of educating myself on Cannabis, products, and wisdom from Cannabis Advocates. It was strictly information, not emotion. It was important for me to gain a male audience and I thought that was the way I could do that.  Ever the people pleaser, I threw myself into researching and developing content that was informative and fun.  We are talking hours upon hours of creating. IT WAS EVERYTHING.  

Through the Cannabis Connector or,  'CC’ as I would label all my content associated with it, my contact list grew. It grew with educators and product developers. These people were the real deal and some of the first places I still go to when I am trying to learn or understand things surrounding the plant. These were the people who were doing it right and what an epic waste of my time it would be to try to play in the same arena.  I wrestled a lot with the idea of backing away from CC. The thought of leaving anything unfinished is paralyzing to a perfectionist like me. What would people say? Would they assume I went crazy?  Couldn’t hang? I looked to my new found friends online and found guidance and support. They assured me that they would be supportive of whatever I tried to tackle and that they liked Me, Cal, not the names I was using online. With a sweet little letter titled “High and Bye” I let my small amount of followers know that I was stepping away and encouraged them to follow my personal journey on Microdosing Mama.

Almost everyone I came in contact with was eager to collaborate and connect. My love language for creativity! I was saying yes to a lot of things.  I even started a podcast! It was everything I asked for -presented to me in abundance. 

It quickly became overwhelming. Not just the workload of trying to do “all the things”, but the self-induced stress I was allowing to take place in my headspace.  I would interview, write, research and record and then be so worn out I had nothing to give to anything else. The very things I loved to do and that fueled me simply stopped happening. I began to not enjoy the process of creating and my ideas stopped coming full circle. Everything just burnt out. My mental state and the body I was carrying it around in were in need of life support. 

Now comes the part where I give the age-old TSA  Pre-Flight Safety demonstration on the importance of securing your own air mask before helping children, the disabled or any persons requiring assistance. Here is the thing,  I tried to help everyone. I wanted to help everyone. But the evidence was clear before I could step into my purpose and get to work, I needed to do some healing and growing of my own. I had to get to work. 

The way my thought process usually goes when its time to “Get To Work” typically goes like this: I drink a lot of coffee, sit on my patio and daydream. Eventually, I start to make excuses for writing and scrap the book altogether. It then becomes a movie, then a sitcom, then it just becomes words on my journal pages. From that, I strip it down and try to find the lesson and then share that with the ones who visit my feed.  Then I beat myself up about not working hard enough and eventually find myself back in the most natural creative space - with pen in handwriting because I can’t get the words out fast enough. 

That's where things start to make sense for me. This is where I feel like I can make some sense of the world, love on people, understand myself - help make my corner of the world a little kinder. 

We all have natural gifts that help lead us to our purpose. Maybe we know what they are and avoid them because it’s scary and unknown. Maybe we have been told things our whole lives that make us doubt our purpose and we walk around with the mindset of not being worthy enough to have whatever kind of life we want to create. Instead, we shrink our dreams, or in some cases make them so big that we never even start, let alone finish. 

In order to break that mindset, I first started to think about the life I wanted, what it looked like and whom I was allowing around me. 

I started doing things that I didn’t want to do or that I was resisting doing.  I am still struggling through my sugar addiction on the daily, forcing myself to work out because I know it makes my mental state better and trying to allow myself to just do nothing. That is extremely hard for a person of my wiring. I literally don’t know how to operate.

Some of those things were basic like, uninstalling Instagram from my phone and only checking it on a browser… and then eventually not at all. To re-installing it to see if I was still #relevant and getting hit by funnel clouds of anxiety, only to delete it again. I’m telling you, life is just a series of patterns.  

Another thing I did to avoid continuing what I had always been doing was, hosting at my home. It might sound silly to some, but for me, it was something I saw my future self doing, but had never actually put into motion or done.  I would have constant thoughts throughout the day with messages of, “How do you plan on making your house full of love and music if there isn’t music on all the time? How are my kids going to know that I care about who they are as human beings if I don’t spend time with them? Good quality time. Not just the routine time of breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bedtime. It was clear I had to get intentional with the way my life was going, otherwise, it would be such an epic waste. See my daydreams get me excited, they legit turn me on. The idea that I could think something, study it, practice it, learn all about it and then have it for myself blew my freaking mind! Through in the fact that I actually deserved it, well, all systems go! 

I started by reaching out to the people in my life. I made time for them. I invited them to my home and into my space. I went into situations with the intention of being present and nothing else- just exactly who I was. By doing so,  I attracted the right people at the right time and you know what? It’s made my dreams even bigger.  With bigger dreams comes bigger responsibilities to myself.  I’m learning to not apologize for who I am anymore. (I know mitt #BestFriendJen is proud of me!!)  I’ll always do my best to make another feel welcome but I am no longer afraid to ask you to leave. I’ll be keeping the music on so we can dance and laugh and heal and love. I’ve learned that that isn’t a “Microdosing Mama” thing, that’s a Calla thing. And you know what… Calla creates things - always has, always will. 

I can’t hide behind the “mama” brand because I am more than that. I would like to reintroduce myself, I am Calla or Cal, I’m all over the place and trying to figure it out like you and this is where I give it to the world. I also host a podcast that is on the list of priorities to reinstate. But as I mention, my dreams have gotten bigger, so stay tuned…  (Look at me, not promising dates - THAT’S GROWTH I TELL YOU!)

Click around on the website to see what I’ve been up too and Subscribe - and then tell a friend to subscribe. That way we can go and grow through it together!

And to my ride or dies, I love you SO much. Bursting at the seams over here… and I am counting on you to let me know all the mistakes I made on the website!

(More on why I hate #editing later!)

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Calla is a writer, mother of three, and host of Have The Conversation Podcast.  Her blog, art, and conversations are here for you as living proof that mistakes and the lessons they provide are all part of a bigger picture   Reach out! - She'd love to get to know you.

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