Competitive. Judgmental. Jealous. These are the things my brain likes to do when I feel "less than."
I like to take things that I, more times than not, have inserted myself into and make them more significant than they are. I get so caught up in my thoughts that I push people away, assume the worst or attack from atop a steep and clouded hill. As I get to know myself more, I realize that I am the one that controls the outcome. I find myself doing an apology tour on behalf of my ego and hoping that in time as I feel comfortable sharing myself, those I have hurt or pushed away will feel the sincerity in my actions by how I live my life. Two years ago, I found myself so depressed and looking for a way to numb the idleness that was my life that I turned to cannabis. That's right a plant I never even dabbled in my younger days was somehow going to be the answer to my problems. I was unhappy, bored, and desperate. I scrolled through Pinterest and Instagram, searching for answers while simultaneously avoiding the work. During that time of my life, I found Jessie, "The Mommy Jane". She was this cool girl who was going through the exact thing I was -she was raw and honest and forward. I liked this girl! She encouraged me ( and many others) to do the hard work in our lives. She brought us into her home and shared her wins and losses so vulnerably that you couldn't help but root for her. My ego did not like this; my ego said, "You need to be nothing like this. You don't deserve to be vulnerable like her. You don't deserve the success she is having." So what did I do? I distanced myself, I judged what she was doing, and I missed an opportunity to have a friendship with a great woman. I feel like such a loser every time I comment or tune into what she is doing now because I know she knows. I also know she is the type of woman strong enough to say, "Im going to keep my distance. This isn't good for me." That makes me admire and respect her more. It's the type of realness that led me to find her in the first place. I'm working hard to show up for myself in this way too. I want to be okay with saying, "This isn't good for me." I find security in knowing where I stand with people, and the unknown leads to too much speculation in my mind and room for interpretation. This is the food that feeds my ego and anxiety. So while this quarantine has been serving up fresh humble pies for all to eat, I thought I would share a bit about what keeps me awake at night. Wat failures I struggle with and how honesty and authenticity, even when it's ugly, is still the best look for me. I know that every mean thing I believe about myself or see in others is the exact thing I need to be working on my own life. It's hard work, and the acknowledgment is never going to come in the way I want or think it will. All I can do with my days is try to keep my ego in check, apologize when necessary, and be kind to myself. If you read this - and feel similar, I hope you find a way to extend that same kindness to yourself and have the ability to get out of your own way one mistake and lesson at a time.