It's okay to feel crumby.

Updated: Nov 13, 2019

On any given day, you can see me loading up my youngest in the car and pulling down the driveway off to the grocery store, doctor appointments, or extracurriculars. It can become very routine and bland - like a saltine cracker when you're sick.

Running a household and taking care of kids is no joke. Though I cannot speak to the working parents, I can talk to the ones staying home who are feeling bland or underwhelmed. I am that parent.

Not once in my daydreams did I see myself wearing sweatpants and a stained tank top to drop my kids off at school. Or think that the highlight of my day would be that twenty minutes I got to listen to Audible, uninterrupted, and simultaneously unload the dishwasher. But you know what, that's the rhythm of the day sometimes. Though it isn't what my ideal life looks like, it isn't one that I would change. And though I wouldn't change it, it doesn't mean I like it or even enjoy it.

As a parent going through this current season, I often feel annoyed and angry that I am not doing more of what I want to do. Yes, I chose to have children. Yes, I decided to stay at home. Yes, I am appreciative that I can have that experience. Yes, I still have bad days. Yes, I doubt my abilities to return to the workforce. Yes, I search Google for "Work from home opportunities" on a weekly basis because I miss working and doing things for me.

I often find myself supportive of everyone else and then say, "I'll work on my stuff when..." The when is subjective to who I am talking to at the moment, but you get the gist.

This type of behavior is a reflection of my self-worth, confidence to chase my dreams, and fear of failure. I know this when I look at my life in a big-picture view, but when life is happening, it never fails that I get angry, snarky, and downright rude, usually to the detriment of the ones closest to me. These types of days, I can't help but feel I am one lousy hair cut away from asking to "Speak to your Manager."

If you feel this way, I am standing right next to you, a coffee-stained shirt and all, telling you that you can stay at home, usher your family to and fro', try to teach them stuff in between appointments and do work that feeds your soul.

Do I have a 5 step process or Instagram graphic to show you how to do those things? No.

What I have is a desire to love myself more. Not more than anything or anyone - but love myself more than I did yesterday. To have gratitude in times of frustration and laugh when things are so dull to keep me from going mad. I know I will not be eating saltines for long - and the tastiness of a life well-lived is all about perspective.

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Calla is a writer, mother of three, and host of Have The Conversation Podcast.  Her blog, art, and conversations are here for you as living proof that mistakes and the lessons they provide are all part of a bigger picture   Reach out! - She'd love to get to know you.

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