This morning, I woke up feeling angry, anxious, and even a little resentful. It has been a week of things breaking both mentally and physically. I've been in a state of trying to keep it together for everyone else and neglecting myself in the process. Now, before we continue this, I have to point out that I have not been a dumpster human being during this. I've woke up. I've shown up and done for myself during this time, and in fact, I had some pretty killer insights this week.
Where I didn't consider pouring my time into was me and my actual body. You know the one with the knobby knees, big toes that thrives off sleep, proper nutrition, and stretching? Yeah, that's her. Currently, her skin is dry, she has dark circles, and she needs so much sleep it isn't funny. Yet here I am, blogging. [insert biggest eye roll ever]
Old habits are still current habits, I am finding.
But I wanted to tell you a lesson my eyes opened up too that made me want to run into my office with a half-full cup of coffee and write to you!
So that rage I woke up with this morning wasn't going away. I was stomping around the house with ten thousand thoughts swirling through my mind. I blamed my mood on a lot of things - mostly my husband, kids, and finances. I yet again thought about how much easier it would be to quit everything that I am trying to accomplish. (I like to do that in moments of stress-induced fatigue.) As I paced my house pondering over what I should achieve first, I interrupted my anxiety with a cup of coffee and a passive-aggressive play- of bringing a cup to my husband to lure him out of bed. I thought my not so random act of kindness would get him moving, and then I could duck out like a spy in a dark alley and leave him with the responsibilities of child-rearing for the morning. I rushed up the stairs to deliver his cup to his bedside table, trying to wake him up with just enough urgency to keep him awake. (The things we learn in partnership!)
I, still gripping my coffee cup, made an abrupt exit, and headed back downstairs to my office. I spilled so much coffee. I think I lost half a cup coming down the last three stairs. I am a terrible spy, and stealth has never been my forte. That's me though, I enter toes first and at full steam. I couldn't help but reprimand my own behavior with thoughts of, "If I had just set down my cup or finished it before serving others, I could have avoided this spill altogether."
WHAT A LESSON THIS WAS FOR ME!
I forget to set down my "coffee cup" more times than I care to admit. It's something so ingrained in my D.N.A. that I have to wonder if doing the work to change it is worth it. This is just who I am. I grew up watching women serve and take care of people - often to their detriment. I'm learning, quite frankly, through the passing of my Grams, that we have to put our self-care at the forefront of our lives if we ever want to be of service to others. It isn't narcissistic, it doesn't make you selfish; it makes you worthy of your own love.
I've got to slow down. I've got to process all that is happening in my life. I've got to rest. So, today, when your busy spilling your coffee and doing for others, take a minute to actually drink your coffee and then for the love of God set down your cup, love yourself and rest.
***This is the coffee mug I saw immediately when I got to my Grams house after she passed. Even in death, she's the wittiest one in the room. 😹